There is no 91 on the roster (we sure Jan-Phillip can’t get another year? Dude was a beast) so today I will be doing the following gimmick: Famous Alumni Stock Watch!
Becky Hammon – Assistant Coach, San Antonio Spurs
On March 11th, the Spurs were sitting at 27-36, four games out of the final playoff spot in the West. The longest streak of consecutive playoff appearances in American sports was in serious jeopardy. But thanks to a hilarious prank by Utah Jazz center Rudy Gobert, the NBA (and America) got shut down. Almost three months later, the NBA released their plans to re-start the season and it looks like Hammon will be enjoying a two-week, all-expenses paid vacation to Disney World! Usually you have to win something to get a trip to Disney World, but leave it to someone like Becky Hammon to come out a winner in all this mess. Stock up!
Jay Kornegay – Executive Vice President, SuperBook USA
All the reports about sports starting back up in the US is great news for the Executive VP of the best sports book in Las Vegas, nay THE WORLD. If you haven’t heard, SuperBook’s first venture outside of Las Vegas will be at the Lodge Casino. And if you haven’t heard, The Lodge Casino is Colorado’s first place for fun. (Look it up.)
Still undecided about which gambling app you’re going to use? Let’s go over the choices:
DraftKings- Based out of Boston and ran by a bunch of MassHoles- including the king of the MassHoles, Robert Craft- DraftKings usually gets in the news for the wrong reasons. Like the time one of their employees won $6 million on daily fantasy using insider information, or the other time two contestants from The Bachelor colluded to win a million bucks. Sounds like if you’re looking for a fair bet on DraftKings, you’re not going to have a happy ending.
FanDuel- I could dig into some dirt about FanDuel, but all you need to know is that one of their largest investors is Comcast, the literal devil.
BetMGM- These assholes are responsible for the 2006 demolition of the Boardwalk Hotel and Casino, the finest hotel and casino on Las Vegas Strip. Did I ever stay at the Boardwalk Hotel and Casino? No. But was the Boardwalk Hotel and Casino the type of place where for a couple bucks an Average Joe like myself could grab a Hamburger of the Future (basically a hamburger shaped like a hot dog), play some penny slots, and grab a free cocktail or two from the waitress? You bet it was.
And what did MGM replace Boardwalk with? A high-end shopping mall and a fucking Waldorf Astoria. This wasn’t just a demolition, this was a personal affront to me and every Joe Sixpack across this great country. Now they have the gall to ask us to download their gaming app? Why? So they can buy Lambeau Field and turn it into a Four Seasons? These terrorists are never getting my business.
FoxBet- Because what Rupert Murdoch needs is more money. Hard pass.
So the choice is clear! When fall rolls around, if you’re not spending a good chunk of your paycheck at Jay Kornegay’s SportsBook on 5-team parlays and wacky prop bets, you’re not a true CSU Ram. Stock up!
Ben Pinkelman – Forward, USA Rugby Sevens
If 2020 hadn’t gone of the rails, Pinkelman would have just completed the final leg of the HSBC World Rugby Sevens series in Paris, and would be in idyllic Glendale, Colorado training with the Olympic rugby team in preparation for
two weeks of debauchery with athletes from around the world in the infamous Olympic Village Olympic glory.
Pinkelman is only 25 years old and a stalwart of the USA 7’s team, so there’s no doubt he’ll make the trip to Japan in 2021, pandemic permitting. But for now…. Stock Down!
Clint Oldenburg – Associate Producer II, EA Sports
The 2020 Madden Bowl was won by a guy who put a punter at quarterback and didn’t throw a single pass the entire tournament. While I find that fucking hilarious, the Madden community was not amused. Being a former football player, EA Sports has made Oldenburg the face of their Madden development team. That exposure is nice when things are going well, but it also brings the wrath of the massive Madden community when things are going bad. Fortunately for Clint, the wrath of the Madden community is really nothing more than mean videos about him on Twitch, so there’s nothing to be worried about. Regardless, Stock Down!
Cory Gardner – Red Team, United States Senate
Polls haven’t been looking too hot for this class of ’97 alum, but Cory’s likely democratic opponent is currently a fugitive from justice. I don’t know much about politics, but that’s gotta be worth a couple points in the polls, right? Could Gardner somehow pull off a November upset and become the Steve Lavin of the US Senate? Stock up!
Walter Scott Jr – Billionaire
Yep, still a billionaire. Holding Steady!
Rashard Higgins – Wide Receiver, Cleveland Browns
Ram Nation’s jaws hit the floor when word came out that Hollywood re-signed with the Browns, even though it was reported that other teams were interested AND OFFERING MORE MONEY! What the hell is going on here? Is this what Stockholm Syndrome is? Should we send someone to Higgins’ house to make sure he’s okay? Stock(holm) Down!
Thus concludes the Famous Alumni Stock Watch. The regular countdown will resume tomorrow.