Cameron Bariteau • Defensive Line • Freshman • Wareham, MA

So far: I goofed this one up a little bit. I didn’t check to see what number Bariteau wore on his recruiting visit (68), and he should have been up yesterday. So pretend you’re reading this yesterday and you’re reading the uniform thing from yesterday today.

I didn’t think to check Bariteau’s number because he’s a d-lineman, but it’s very possible that he’ll could keep number 68 and play on the defensive line. In fact, the most disruptive pair of defensive tackles I’ve ever seen at CSU had numbers in the 60’s: Guy Miller (66) and James Morehead (62). I’ll never forget those two dudes going into Boulder in 2009 and single-handedly (double-handedly?) wrecking the Buffs offensive line. They made the Buffs completely abandon the run (29 yards on 21 carries) and then Little Cody Hawkins wasn’t up to snuff to beat us through the air. Absolute legends.

Bariteau was recruited by Coach Addazio while he was still at Boston College and Addazio’s interest remained after he took the Colorado State job. Bariteau’s commitment came after he de-committed from the University of New Hampshire, so suck on that New Hampshire *googles…* Wildcats!

What’s next: Well, I’ve already projected Bariteau to be the next Guy Miller or James Morehead, so no pressure there! It wouldn’t be out of the question for Bariteau to play in his freshman year, guys like Ellison Hubbard and Devon Phillips have already set that precedent. But as long as everyone stays healthy, I don’t see Bariteau playing more than four games and keeping his redshirt.

Brewery nearest to Wareham, Massachusetts: Buzzards Bay Brewing

There’s a place in Wareham called Stone Path Malt Taproom. They make malt for breweries to use in their beers, but aren’t technically a brewery themselves, so I didn’t pick them. Buzzards Bay Brewing is a brewery and a taproom in the area, so I picked them.

It kind of bothers me that their name isn’t “Buzzard’s” but after some research, they’re named after a nearby bay and the correct spelling is Buzzards with no apostrophe. So it’s a bay where buzzards live, the buzzards don’t actually own the bay. But according to Wikipedia, there aren’t any buzzards in the bay at all! The locals mistook osprey for buzzards and named the bay after the wrong bird! Lol, you dumb shits! Do you even study Bird Law?

Lowest Yelp Review for Buzzards Bay:

Yes! This is how you write a review! I love Daniel B’s ALL-CAPS energy. To hell with you Buzzards (Osprey) Bay Brewing and UP YOURS!

I went through Daniel B’s Yelp profile and he has 35 more one-star reviews, a lot of them for breweries. You think he ever came to the realization that maybe the problem is that he just doesn’t like breweries? You’re the problem Daniel B! To hell with you!

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Ranking Every Game of the Mike Bobo Era, #42
2015 Minnesota, The First of Many

• Final Score: Colorado State 20, Minnesota 23
• Line: Colorado State +4
• Venue: Sonny Lubick Field at Hughes Stadium

The first loss of the Mike Bobo Era. We were so young and innocent then. After a Week 1 tune-up against Savannah State, the Golden Gophers from the Big 10 rolled into town.

The Gophers were coming off an 8-5 season and returning their quarterback and key pieces on defense, so it looked like quite a battle.

The first half was all punts and fumbles and the Rams took a 7-6 lead into the locker room. Second half the offense is stalling and Coach Bobo pulls Nick Stevens and puts in…. Coleman Key! Remember that guy? I thought for sure Key was going to be the next great CSU quarterback. Everything about him screamed star quarterback: Six-foot-four, rocket arm, cool name that the media can use in cheesy puns.

And for one brief moment, I’m sure all of Ram Nation felt the same:

“COLEMAN KEY! The KEY to CSU’s success!!”

-Kelly Lyell, probably

Joe Hansley always came up big for us, and we really needed him for this game because in the previous week versus Savannah State the coaching staff decided it was a good idea to play Hollywood Higgins well into the 2nd half and he got injured. Makes you wonder how this game would have played out if Higgins was available.

So the Rams are up 17-13 and both teams exchange punts for most of the third and fourth quarters. Three minutes left in the 4th Quarter, Minnesota has the ball on their own 20 and probably their last chance to take the lead. The Rams actually had the Gophers stuck on a 4th and 7 but weren’t able to hold. Gophers score with 55 seconds left and go up three.

That’s okay though because we have Coleman Key and this offense is Key’ed in! Key was able to drive the Rams all the way down to the 20 and Wyatt Bryan drilled a clutch field goal to send it to overtime.

We all know how overtime went. Screen pass over the middle to Dalyn Dawkins is picked off:

Game over.

Massive bummer blowing an opportunity to knock off a Big 10 school. Even bigger disappointment knowing it could have been different if your star player didn’t get hurt the week before in a meaningless game against one of the worst FCS schools in the country.

Minnesota would finish the season 6-7, losing to Wisconsin and a bunch of ranked teams.

Coleman Key would only get mop up duty in a couple more games and leave CSU at the end of the year.

A link to the game is here if you want to watch it:

There’s no number 68 on the roster yet. The freshman should all be on campus now and I just know one of these days the staff is going to assign them numbers and I’ll be so happy.

Anyway, the big news in the college football world recently is that Under Armour is bailing on some of its apparel deals, most notably their record-breaking $280 million deal with UCLA. Which got me thinking about our uniforms with UA. For the most part I’ve been pretty happy with the partnership after we got rid of the ill-fitting, generic high school uniforms from 2013-2015. Here are all 22 uniform combinations, ranked by winning percentage:

Notable Wins: What a way to commemorate the final game at Hughes Stadium by wearing the classic green and…. gray?

Notable Losses: None.

Notable Wins: Me! I won! Ever since we started wearing Ag Day uniforms, I’m always crying about wearing them with green pants. Under Armour has only done it once so far against Northern Colorado.

Notable Losses: Nobody loses when we go Green/Orange/Green.

Notable Wins: For some reason the Rams decided to wear the regular white pants for their 2017 Ag Day showdown with Abilene Christian.

Notable Losses: The guy on the equipment staff who lost the Ag Day pants at the dry cleaners?

Notable Wins: None.

Notable Losses: What the hell were we thinking??? This was Under Armour’s first attempt at Ag Day uniforms and it was a hilarious failure. We went with the cool orange horn helmets, orange practice uniforms with a weird white stripe under the armpits, and our normal white pants with a green and gold stripe. A complete train wreck. The Rams beat UTEP handily, but we were all losers that day.

Notable Wins: We wore this combination for the first ever game at Canvas Stadium, a 58-27 rout of Oregon State.

Notable Losses: We’ve only lost once so far in the Green and Khaki, a home loss to Hawaii that will be coming up soon in my Ranking Every Game of the Mike Bobo Era countdown.

Notable Wins: Last year’s win at Fresno State, I guess? The combined records of the teams we beat while wearing this combination is 7-29.

Notable Losses: The 49-10 ass whoopin’ we got from Nevada that was highlighted in yesterday’s post.

Notable Wins: This uniform combination will always bring me back to Charles Lovett catching the game winning pass from Garrett Grayson at Boston College, or Dee Hart and Treyous Jarrells running roughshod over an over-matched Colorado defense.

Notable Losses: The disaster that was the 2014 Air Force game. Colorado State was on the verge of one of their greatest seasons ever, but choked at the Academy. Jim McElwain already had his bags packed for The Swap.

Notable Wins: Remember the Bronze Boot? That trophy that used to reside in Fort Collins? Remember that? We were wearing this uniform the last time we won it.

Notable Losses: The 2015 Rocky Mountain Showdown loss in overtime.

Notable Wins: None, unless you want to count New Mexico or UNLV as notable.

Notable Losses: 2016 at Air Force. This is the most boring uniform combination we have.

Notable Wins: We were wearing these bad boys during Mike Bobo’s first career win against Savannah State.

Notable Losses: I wouldn’t have been against retiring these uniforms altogether after getting manhandled by FCS Illinois State.

Notable Wins: 2018: The classic comeback against Arkansas.

Notable Losses: 2018: Getting our butts kicked at home by a mediocre Wyoming team.

Notable Wins: The Colorado State athletic department, who made bank from selling state pride merchandise.

Notable Losses: The Colorado athletic department, who can’t do their own version of state pride without ripping us off.

(Also, the brutal come-from-ahead loss to Boise State came in these beauties.)

Notable Wins: Whenever I see this combo, my mind always goes to a rainy night in San Diego where Michael Gallup and the boys blew the doors off the MWC champion Aztecs.

Notable Losses: None. Even when we lose we win because this is our best looking uniform.

Notable Wins: Any time we wear these against Boise State it’s a win, because I’m almost certain we wear green on green to troll them about the whole “no blue on blue” thing they had to agree to when joining the Mountain West the first time.

Notable Losses: Yeesh…. two Boise losses, a rout at the hands of a crappy CU team, the illegally touched Hail Mary against Utah State…. take your pick.

Notable Wins: That time we shut out Fresno State.

Notable Losses: The Potato Bowl and two blowout losses to Air Force. I hate these uniforms, they look like crap and we play like crap when we wear them. I get triggered any time I show up to Canvas and they have them on.

Notable Wins: Lol.

Notable Losses: Speaking of triggered, mention these uniforms to any CSU fan and see what their reaction is.

Notable Wins: None.

Notable Losses: The equipment crew who was probably up all night preparing the helmet decals for a “meh” result.

Notable Wins: The football budget for getting another game out of those gray pants.

Notable Losses: Is losing at Boise considered “notable”?

Notable Wins: The players at the craps table at the Hard Rock the night before the game, apparently.

Notable Losses: The Dave Baldwin Era.

Notable Wins: None! These are the worst! They don’t even match! Why did we ever wear these?

Notable Losses: Anyone ever associated with Colorado State University.

Notable Wins: Nada.

Notable Losses: An RMS and a Border War. Yikes.

Notable Wins: Well.. they look pretty cool.

Notable Losses: The New Mexico Bowl, among others. Maybe dressing up like a surrender flag isn’t a good idea?

Barry Wesley • Offensive Line • Redshirt Junior • Morrison, CO

So far: Every so often word comes out of fall practice that a walk-on is having a great camp and working his way up the depth chart. This can mean one of two things: 1. your coaching staff has done their homework and unearthed a serious gem or 2. your team sucks and is in serious trouble if a redshirt freshman walk-on is beating out all your scholarship guys.

Fortunately for CSU, Wesley falls into the unearthed gem category. Wesley is an Under-The-Radar Colorado Recruit^TM who wears the number 69, so he’s my favorite player on the team. Period.

And that’s before we even get into the fact that he can play pretty much any position on the offensive line and has been our duct tape for the past two years. He’s played and started in all 24 games, the only offensive lineman to do so. Where would we be without this guy?

Here’s the video of him getting put on scholarship back in 2018:

When you think it’s a regular team meeting, and you get called out. In a good way.

And then it gets better…

Congratulations, @barry_jwesley! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 pic.twitter.com/2QFnuiQXiG

— Colorado State Football (@CSUFootball) August 5, 2018

What’s next: Wesley comes into 2020 as the only Ram with multiple games of starting experience at tackle. After him you have three starts from Keith Williams and that’s it. Can we just encase Wesley in bubble wrap and quarantine him until September 5th? He’s kinda important.

Brewery nearest to Morrison, Colorado: Green Mountain Beer Company

When you click on the “About” link on their website it just shows brewing equipment, soo…. I can confirm that they’re a brewery that owns brewing equipment. Investigative journalism.

Lowest Yelp Review for Green Mountain Beer Company:

A brewery is an awful environment for children? A BREWERY is an awful environment for CHILDREN?? Well knock me over with a fucking feather Kayla H, who could have seen that one coming?

Look, if you want to bring your kids to a business that only exists because they create adult beverages, that’s fine. But just know going in that you and your kids need to conform to the brewery and not the other way around. Conversely, when I go to Chuck E Cheese, I can’t get shitfaced and tell little kids to fuck off when they start crying that it’s their turn to play Doodle Jump. No matter how badly I want to. It’s part of the social contract, Kayla. Grow up.

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Ranking Every Game of the Mike Bobo Era, #43
2018 Nevada, The Worst Game No One Saw

• Final Score: Colorado State 10, Nevada 49
• Line: Colorado State +14
• Venue: I can’t remember what Nevada’s erector set stadium is called and I won’t dignify it by looking it up

Hooooly shit, this game. Okay, this is actually the worst game a Mike Bobo team ever played. In a vacuum it’s his worst loss, but I didn’t rank it as high (low?) as the other games because it didn’t involve a rival, there wasn’t a trophy involved, we were 3-7 coming off losses to Boise and Wyoming, and the game started at 8:30PM on ESPNU. How many people do you think actually watched this game? And of those who watched, how many stuck around past the 3rd quarter?

Also, it involved the University of Nevada (Reno), who I have zero emotion towards, good or bad. I am 100% neutral about the Wolf Pack.

For those of you who didn’t see this game or don’t remember it, let me give you a little taste by listing our drive chart for the first three quarters:

• 7 plays, 25 yards, Interception
• 4 plays, 0 yards, Punt
• 6 plays, 9 yards, Punt
• 3 plays, -1 yard, Punt
• 3 plays, 0 yards, Punt
• 4 plays, -6 yards, Punt
• 3 plays, 2 yards, Punt
• 3 plays, 7 yards, End of Half
• 3 plays, 9 yards, Punt
• 7 plays, 29 yards, Turnover on Downs

I’ll stop right here for a moment. This third quarter drive that petered out on 4th down was the first time the Rams crossed midfield all game. Again, the first time the Rams crossed the 50 was in the 3rd quarter and they were already down 49-0. 49-0! Okay, this was by far Bobo’s worst game. I think I should have ranked it lower (higher?).

Side note: You often hear people debate whether a dominant college team like Alabama could beat the Cincinnati Bengals. It’s a dumb argument because obviously the NFL team would win.

Instead, a better argument is: how much would you have to shorten the field for CSU’s offense before they’d be able to beat the Cincinnati Bengals? For example, could the 2018 Rams beat the Bengals if all CSU’s offense had to do was cross the 50 yard line for a touchdown? Would you take the bet if all they had to do was cross the 40? The 35? What would the point spread be? Would Coach Bobo still find a way to kick a meaningless field goal in this scenario? An interesting topic to discuss with your buddies next time you’re shitfaced at a Chuck E Cheese.

Anyway, the Rams forced a fumble on the ensuing UNR drive and finally got on the board with a Preston Williams touchdown. They’d also add a chicken shit field goal later because when you’re down 49-7 in the 4th quarter, you gotta get those three points.

If you go to Colorado State’s YouTube page and look for their version of highlights for this game, the video is only 57 seconds long. Which is hilarious. They also decided not to upload Coach Bobo’s post game press conference. Which is merciful. Since CSU’s highlights for this game are lacking, here are two more:

Here is Tre Thomas getting caught in a net:

Here are Collin Hill and Warren Jackson showing off their telepathic connection:

Nevada (Reno) out-gained the Rams 636 to 260. 404 passing yards to 186. 232 rushing yards to 74. Time of possession? Even, somehow (UNR 30:50, CSU 29:10). Preston Williams led all Rams with 69 receiving yards, an obvious tribute to Barry Wesley.

By the grace of god, only a condensed version of this game exists online. You can watch it here, but I honestly have no idea why you’d waste 20 minutes of your day doing that. Unless, of course, you hate yourself:

Joctavis Phillips was on the roster all spring but mysteriously disappeared sometime in May. So that sucks for him, the team, and this countdown. Since there’s no longer a number 70 on the roster, let’s look at the rest of the offensive line.

Coach: Louie Addazio • Assistant Coach/Offensive Line

When it was announced that Coach Bobo was leaving, my hope was that Dave Johnson would get the opportunity to stay on the staff. Johnson was the perfect type of coach for CSU, someone who is used to working with under the radar athletes and molding them into a cohesive unit.

The idea of keeping Coach Johnson flew out the window when the Family Addazio rolled into town. Head Coach Steve Addazio is known for his work with the o-line, and he brought is son Louie in to oversee it. Louie is a young guy with brief experience at Ohio State as a graduate assistant and with Bowling Green as a tight ends coach.

My concerns about lack of experience went away after talking to him for five minutes. You can tell right away that the guy is born to coach and CSU might have found an up-and-comer for the staff. (It’s also comforting to know that Old Man Adazzio will be nearby for quality control.)

Coming back:

Barry Wesley – Redshirt Junior

Where would we be without Barry Wesley? Thank god we found this guy as a walk-on. He can play multiple positions on the line and has plugged holes when we’ve needed him. He’s probably the front-runner to start at LT but I think the line would be at it’s best if someone else stepped up at LT and allowed Wesley to kick inside to guard.

Scott Brooks – Senior

Hard to believe Brooks is already a senior. They blew his redshirt in 2017 by playing in one game against Abilene Christian. What the hell was going on there? Brooks started each game last year and is a lock to start at center this year.

Keith Williams – Redshirt Senior

Williams worked his way into the starting lineup towards the end of last season and is the front runner for the RT job in 2020.

Ches Jackson – Redshirt Sophomore

Jackson was usually first off the bench when Jeff Taylor was injured last season. He ended up playing in 9 games and did pretty well for a redshirt freshman. I’m guessing one of the guard spots is his to lose.

Kavesz Sherard, Florian McCann, Alex Azusenis, John Blasco Jr

These guys all have redshirted at one point and haven’t seen much playing time. I’m not going to pretend to have any analysis about them, but you gotta hope that someone in this groups develops into a contributor in the two deep.

Outta here:

Jeff Taylor – Graduated

Nouredin Nouili – Transferred to Nebraska (treason)

TJ Storment – Transferred to TCU (treason)

Those are the big three departures to know about. That’s 3/5 of the starting offensive line gone.

Joctavis Phillips – No longer on roster

This one also hurts. At best Phillips wins a starting job, at worst Phillips is provides valuable depth for the interior of the line. Huge bummer that’s he’s gone.

Luis Lebron – Moving to d-line?

The official roster still lists Lebron at offensive line, but his number changed to 99 and he saw some time on defense in spring.

Kieran Firment – No longer on roster

Not sure what happened here either. Not in the transfer portal and his Twitter doesn’t list any new teams. I remember being excited when we signed a guy whose last name sounds like “ferment”.

New to Fort Collins:

Cam Reddy (Redshirt Junior) and Adam Korutz (Redshirt Senior)

Both of these guys come over from Boston College, so I’m sure they’ll figure into the two-deep once September rolls around.

Brian Crespo, Gage Gaynor, Dirk Nelson, Tai Marks, Owen Snively –

All five of these guys are true freshman. They will be the first group to study under the tutelage of the Family Addazio. Could they end up being the core of the offensive line for years to come?

Who is the Wildcard of the group?

Korutz

Korutz is a senior on a grad-transfer, and I doubt he came to Colorado State without some assurances that he’ll have a path to earn a lot of playing time. (I’m not saying he was guaranteed a spot, but the staff probably showed him a clear path to do so.)

If Korutz is starting caliber, the losses of Phillips and that traitor guy aren’t as bad.

Here is a picture of Adam Korutz pointing at you:

The AlwaysSonny Prediction for the Offensive Line

No wild predictions, I think I’m among the consensus when I see the lineup look like this, from left to right:

Wesley, Korutz, Brooks, Jackson, Williams

Beyond Wesley and Willams, I don’t know what the plan is at OT. I predict this becomes a big issue if either go down. Can either of the Boston College guys play tackle? Is Blasco Jr finally ready to contribute? Can the TE transfer from Miami gain 50 pounds and slide over? Yikes, the more I look at this, the more concerned I get. Work your magic Family Addazio!

Brian Crespo • Offensive Line • Freshman • Fort Collins, CO

So far: It’s been a couple days since our last Colorado Recruit^TM and I’ll be honest, I was starting to suffer from withdrawals. Crespo only had offers from Colorado (Northern) and New Mexico State, which makes him an under-the-radar Colorado Recruit^TM, which is the best type of Colorado Recruit^TM. A mammoth offensive lineman playing in his hometown with a chip on shoulder, sign me up!

What’s next: I doubt a true freshman is going to see much time at tackle, looks like a redshirt season.

Brewery Nearest to Fort Collins, Colorado: Black Bottle Brewery

I picked Black Bottle because it’s closest to Canvas Stadium. When I go there I usually end up drinking the Friar Chuck German Kolsch. It won a bronze medal at the GABF, proving my superior taste.

Lowest Yelp Review for Black Bottle:

This review cracks me up because nearly the same thing happened to me there. I started my gameday at a tailgate in an on-campus parking lot. Some buddies called and said they were at Black Bottle, so I walked over to meet them, bringing an Old Aggie with me “for the road”.

Get to Black Bottle and my Old Aggie is only half gone. I notice the “no outside drinks” sign on the door, so I pour my Old A into one of the empty glasses on the table. The waitress comes by a couple minutes later and is like the god damn Sherlock Holmes of Beer because looks at the glass and says “We don’t have any beers that are that color.” Then she sees the empty beer can nearby and I almost get 86’d. True story. I feel your pain Aaron K!

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Ranking Every Game of the Mike Bobo Era, #44
2019 Air Force, The 99-yard Pick 6 Game

• Final Score: Colorado State 21, Air Force 38
• Line: Colorado State +10.5
• Venue: Canvas Stadium

We did it guys! This game marks the last of our Trophy Game losses in the Mike Bobo Era.

The Rams were riding a three-game winning streak coming into this one, letting that little part of your brain say “you know what maybe there’s a chance here”. That little part of your brain got even louder when the Rams jumped out to a 14-point lead in the first quarter off two awesome touchdowns, the McBride misdirecton:

And the Mohamed Kamara fumble return:

(Is it just me, or are touchdowns infinitely cooler when the player runs towards a packed New Belgium Porch?)

At this moment, I guarantee every Ram fan was thinking the exact same thing: This is how you beat Air Force! You gotta build an early lead and force them to pass!

Why do we always do this to ourselves, Ram fans? Why??

The Rams were winning the field position battle and the defense was playing really well and everything was going swimmingly until Coach Bobo thought to himself, “You know what? We haven’t had a boner in the kicking game yet, let’s do one of those.”

4th-and-7 from the Air Force 35, let’s send out our walk-on kicker to try a 52-yarder. What could go wrong?

Look, with college kickers you’re going to have boners in the kicking game. It’s bound to happen. But these self-inflicted boners are the worst. Coach Dazzle, I know you’re reading this. No self-inflicted boners please. Just punt it.

Predictably, the Falcons take their first short field of the day and score in six plays.

CSU was actually leading going into the 4th quarter and the defense was playing really well. Air Force made an adjustment though and beat us with the thing we all wanted to force them to do: the pass!

Donald Hammond threw for TD scores of 50 yards and 28 yards and Air Force would never relinquish the lead.

The Rams still had a small chance at the end, down 31-21, one minute left, 2nd-and-goal from the 1. That’s when Air Force’s defense slammed the door shut with a motherfucking 99-yard Pick 6, because that’s what we get for ever believing that we ever had any chance of winning this game.

Here is a condensed version of the game if you hate yourself and want to watch it:

Dirk Nelson • Offensive Line •  Freshman • Visalia, CA

^{(I’m cheating again today. No Ram has number 72 after TJ Storment transferred. By the way, do you know what the “TJ” stands for? Benedict Arnold. Anyway, both Dirk Nelson and Brian Crespo wore 71 in high school, so I’m going to pretend one of them will wear number 72 at CSU.)}

So far: Nelson was another highly recruited interior lineman who picked Colorado State over a bunch of offers. I can’t help but overrate Nelson because he checks all my boxes for O-line recruits:

1. Offers- A bunch of Mountain West schools, a couple service academies, a bunch of Ivy League schools, and a random PAC-12 offer that’s probably not real. Those are exactly the types of offers you want to see when someone commits to CSU.
2. Good at other shit- He lettered in Track & Field and Baseball along with being all-state in football. You’d like to see “all-state wrestler” as well, but he set his school record in shot put, so that’s good enough.
3. Offensive lineman hair- Some of our all time great offensive lineman had that disheveled look of long hair and a patchy beard. For some reason, that makes my confidence in their abilities go up 100%. These guys don’t have time for grooming or sock laundry, they’re just here to point out mike linebackers and put defenders on their backs. I’m talking about guys like Ty Sambrailo, Trae Moxely, Fred Zerblis.

So based on those completely arbitrary things, I have Nelson penciled in as a four year starter at center or guard. Or both. He’s that good.

What’s next: Probably a redshirt year because I don’t know anything.

Brewery Nearest to Visalia, California: BarrelHouse Brewing

Lowest Yelp Review for BarrelHouse:

Jesus christ, Evan H from Morro Bay. Do you need posted instructions to tie your shoes? Brush your teeth? Imagine going to a brewery and just sitting there for 15 minutes. 15 minutes is a looong time. He even mentions in the review that there is no waitstaff! Maybe connect the dots there, Evan H? It’s pretty funny to imagine Evan H hunting all ends of the brewery for “posted instructions for ordering”, not finding any, and leaving the bar in frustration. Evan H, maybe you could find posted instructions about putting on your big boy pants and go ask a fucking person.

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Ranking Every Game of the Mike Bobo Era, #45
2019 Wyoming

• Final Score: Colorado State 7, Wyoming 17
• Line: Colorado State +4.5
• Venue: War Memorial Stadium

We did it, we made it through all the Border War losses!

This one was probably the most “ho-hum” of the Border War defeats, I couldn’t even think of a nickname for it. This loss isn’t as bad as others because the Rams were playing out the stretch of Mike Bobo’s final season and we all knew that the Rams had zero chance of winning this game. All Games Are Trophy Games^TM!

Wyoming came into the game with an ineffective starting quarterback because their regular starter got hurt. Then that guy got hurt and a true freshman backup came in for the first time in his college career. Didn’t matter! Wyoming ran all over us to the tune of 192 yards on 50 carries. Our stalwart Rams managed 48 rushing yards on 30 carries for a sterling 1.6 yards per carry.

The most important play of the game was a big gainer to Trey McBride that would have put us inside the Wyoming 20, but an ineligible receiver penalty by Scott Brooks negated it.

Lol, yeah… your center can’t do that.

The Rams would keep driving and eventually stall on the 32 yard line. 4th-and-2, 10 degree weather, what should the Rams do? Well, it wouldn’t be a Mike Bobo loss without a boner in the kicking game, so lets send out Braxton Davis for a 50 yarder that he has zero chance of making.

I’m no mathematician, but I’m guessing the odds of picking up 2 yards is better than nailing a 50-yard field goal in a freezer.

Wyoming adds a field goal to make it a two score game, and game over.

This would end up as Coach Bobo’s 12th consecutive loss in a rivalry game. He’d end his CSU career at 2-13 in rivalry games.

If you hate yourself, and I mean it this time, if you really, really hate yourself, you can watch the game here:

Tai Marks • Offensive Line • Freshman • Santa Ana, CA

So far: Marks chose CSU over offers from pretty much every Mountain West school and Liberty Biberty. He played high school ball for the storied Mater Dei football program, which I say is a good thing. The Rams have another Mater Dei lineman in the 2021 class (George Miki-Han), so hopefully this is the beginning of a Mater Dei pipeline.

All-MWC punter Ryan Stonehouse also went to Mater Dei. Keep ’em coming Coach Dazzle!

What’s next: Marks projects as a guard or a center, and I don’t see much opportunity for a true freshman to break into the starting lineup in the interior of the line. I’m guessing Marks will see some action in three to four games and stay eligible for a redshirt.

Brewery nearest to Santa Ana, California: The Good Beer Company

This place opened in 2014, which makes it relatively old for a craft brewery.

Lowest Yelp Review for Good Beer Company:

Everything about this review cracked me up. First, have you ever had a conversation with your friends and said, “Hey guys, do you know what I’m craving right now? Beer. I’m craving beer.” Next, Allyson V and her friends have to go online to figure out where they can go to satiate this beer craving of theirs. Who are these people?

They go to the brewery and they’re spilling shit all over the place and are offended that the bartender has the audacity to be “annoyed” by their “accidental spills”. “I don’t understand how he could be upset about something that is out of anyone’s control,” she says. What the fuck are you talking about Allyson V? Spilling your drink is 100% under your control, you psycho.

The review is kind of weird, but I think I figured it out: Allyson V is actually 12 years old and posted this review as a lark. A 12 year old would say something like “Me and my friends are craving beer!” A 12 year old would think being drunk and drinking beers includes spilling shit all over the place. Allyson V is 12.

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Ranking Every Game of the Mike Bobo Era, #46
The Marshall Meltdown

• Final Score: Colorado State 28, Marshall 31
• Line: Colorado State -3
• Venue: Dreamstyle Stadium

The Mountain West’s bowl games suck, so this match-up is about as good as we can hope for. Flights to ABQ are fairly cheap or you can drive it, the weather is superior to Boise’s, the game was against a good program that we’ve never played before, and the Rams don’t freaking lose at… what’s it called now… *checks notes*… Dreamstyle Stadium.

A friend and I went down to Albuquerque. First thing we did was hit a casino. The casinos there don’t allow you to drink alcohol on the casino floor, which is absurd. If you want a drink, you have to color up your chips, leave your table, and walk over to a bar on the side of the casino. You can just imagine some dumb-ass puritan politicians being like, “this is a good compromise”.

We stayed at the team hotel and the location was clutch as it was right across the street from Ojos Locos, which is basically Tex-Mex Hooters. The hotel was also occupied by the Arizona Wildcats basketball team and watching Deandre Ayton walk through doorways was fun.

The night before the game all the players, coaching staff, and their families were hanging out in the hotel lobby. It was a good time, but my friend and I were craving beer and didn’t want to pay $8 for a Coors Light from the hotel bar. Instead, we snuck in more reasonably priced Coors Lights from the nearby liquor store because that’s how you responsibly cure a beer craving. And we didn’t spill anything, Allyson V.

Enough about that, now to the game. I’ll start with a specific highlight as it was a thing of beauty that we don’t see much of:

Think back over the last five years and try to remember how many times our safties gave help over the top, arrived on time, and made a play on the ball. Someone should frame this GIF and put it in a museum.

Poor Nick Stevens was under duress all game. Marshall ended up with 5 sacks and 6 QB hurries. For context, CSU had given up 8 sacks all season to that point. This was due in large part to the DEFENSIVE GENIUS OF CHUCK HEATER. Heater was putting seven guys at the line of scrimmage, typically dropping three or four of them back into coverage but our offensive line had no clue where the pressure was going to come from.

As good as the Marshall front seven was, their defensive backs were green-colored traffic cones, which allowed the Rams to keep the game close any time Stevens got time to throw.

Fast forward to the end of the 4th quarter, CSU ball, down 31-28. The Rams had come back from a 31-14 deficit and we were feeling good because no matter how long the odds, the Rams don’t lose at Dreamstyle Stadium.

Drive starts out with this highlight reel third down conversion to Michael Gallup:

Hot damn, we got this game in the bag!

Next plays: Incomplete, incomplete, and we have a third down again. Steven drops back to pass, Gallup gets behind the defense, Stevens loads it up to throw, IT’S HAPPENING!…

Wait, what? That’s not supposed to happen. This was the third time in the game that Stevens missed Gallup deep, but this one was obviously the most important.

4th down. Defensive Savant Chuck Heater dials up some pressure off the edge:

Game over.

This is also where the Marshall Meltdown starts. Ben Knox comes off the field wanting to fight someone, teammates… coaches… I don’t know, but the dude was steamed. Fans in the stands start getting into yelling matches with the coaches, which is never a good thing. Also, here’s a safety tip: if you follow the Rams to a road game or a bowl game, be careful what you say about specific players. There’s a very good chance that the Ram fan sitting next to you is related to one of the players and they don’t take kindly to those comments. Lesson learned!

I think this game was the tipping point for a lot of the CSU fan base. There was already negativity towards the Bobo Regime, which is normal for any coach, but this game is when the negativity hit critical mass.

Besides the awful game and the Rams inability to win trophies, two things happened off the field that pushed it past the point of no return:

1. Two days earlier it was announced that Coach Bobo had signed a lucrative contract extension and the fans were less than thrilled.

2. Our $500,000 offensive line coach Bobo’s buddy offensive coordinator bailed on the program two weeks before the New Mexico Bowl and it was more than disappointing to see his disciples get their asses whipped by Defensive Mastermind Chuck Heater. What the hell were we paying for?

Anyway, I can’t find a full version of the game. The most complete thing I could find was this compilation of Marshall highlights, which is worth watching if you want to marvel at Chuck Heater’s genius:

Gage Gaynor • Offensive Guard • Freshman • Parkland, FL

^{(I’m cheating a little bit here. Gaynor is listed as number 73 on the roster, but he wore 74 in high school and on his recruiting visits. The Rams also have another incoming freshman who wore 73 in high school but hasn’t been assigned a number yet at CSU. So I’m making an executive decision and putting Gaynor at 74 and the other Ram at 73.)}

So far: Gaynor was a highly recruited player out of Stoneman Douglas High School. He picked CSU over offers from Louisville, Marshall, Air Force, MTSU, and others. His cousin Corey Gaynor plays for Miami (Florida) and his other cousin Chris Gaynor was a Texas Christian Horny Toad.

Gaynor was an early enrollee and has been on campus since January.

What’s next: Based off his high school film, Gaynor can play guard or center. I’m guessing the staff will take this year to develop him at both positions. The Rams actually have some depth in the interior of the offensive line, so I don’t see Gaynor playing a lot in 2020 even though he has a head start from already being on campus. But then again, what the hell do I know?

Brewery nearest Parkland, Florida: Black Flamingo Brewing Company

Black Flamingo Brewing Company and Bangin Banjo Brewing Company are located in the same office park and both breweries have really good reviews on Yelp, so it looks like a pretty efficient way to get hammered if you ever find yourself in Parkland, Florida.

Lowest Yelp Review for Black Flamingo:

There really aren’t many bad reviews for this place. I liked Paul S’ review because he goes out of his way to let us all know that he has a “lady friend” on the “Eastside”, as if it’s important information. Can we assume he also has a “lady friend” in “Canada”?

Pauly Westside is coming to your town lookin’ for lady friends and libations. And he’s got all the libations he needs.

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Ranking Every Game of the Mike Bobo Era, #47
2019 Colorado, The Four Turnover Game

• Final Score: Colorado State 31, Colorado 52
• Line: Colorado State +12.5
• Venue: Empower Field

We’re making some progress on this list as we’re finally through all the Rocky Mountain Showdowns!

This game was the least infuriating RMS for three reasons: 1. it was pretty close for most of the game, 2. we got this Dante Wright guy who’s fucking awesome, 3. by this point in 2019 a loss in a trophy game was all but certain and we were all dead inside.

There was actually a little optimism going into the game because this was Mel Tucker’s first game as a head coach. That optimism went away quickly as the Buffs took their opening drive 75 yards for a touchdown with minimal resistance from the defense, and it was like “oh god, here we go again.”

But then Collin Hill hits Dante Wright on a bomb on the next drive. Dante Wright! There were murmurs that he worked his way up the depth chart, but no one could have guessed a Freshman All-American season!

The game was pretty close for awhile, but the Rams started off the 2nd half with a classic Marvin Kinsey fumble, one of four Rams turnovers. When you’re -4 in turnovers, you’re going to have a bad time.

Speaking of turnovers, look at this shit:

LOOK AT THIS SHIT:

The Buffs are a garbage football program, but year-after-year they come into the RMS like it’s their Super Bowl and become one of the greatest football teams in the country. Bobo’s Rams could never match the intensity, most likely due to Bobo’s “Every Game is a Trophy Game” nonsense. If every game is a trophy game, then no game is a trophy game.

So a close game is eventually blown open in the 4th quarter, a theme for the 2019 season.

Before we go, let’s check in on the vaunted left side of the offensive line:

GREAT JOB GUYS! Have fun blocking air at your new schools!

_{(To be fair, there’s a good chance that play was Marvin Kinsey’s fault, but that would get in the way of my Vaunted Left Side of the Offensive Line bit)}

The Buffs would go on to a losing season, per CU tradition. As you might guess, they’d come no where near scoring 52 points the rest of the year. After the season, Coach Mel Tucker would leave them up shit’s creek without a paddle when he took the Michigan State job in February which is hilarious and makes Mel Tucker an all-time legend.

The full game is here if you hate yourself and want to watch it:

There’s no 75 on the roster so we’ll have to do something else. The freshmen are all reporting to campus, so I’m hoping they get assigned jersey numbers within the next couple of days so I can quit coming up with stupid gimmicks like: My Favorite Loss. But here we are.

My favorite loss was the 2019 Arkansas game.

As a very important Top Booster, a friend and I had the opportunity to fly to Fayetteville with the team, stay at the team hotel, and watch the game from the Athletic Director’s suite. (When my sister heard, she asked me “are you dying and aren’t you a little too old to be getting a Make-A-Wish?”)

Friday morning we show up at the Loveland airport and we’re handed a schedule with the entire weekend broken down to the minute: meetings, workouts, the number of the bus we’d be on, etc. Some local catering company showed up with probably over a hundred meals for us to eat on the flight. Brown rice, teriyaki chicken, and veggies. Pretty nice gig for that catering company!

They boarded me and the rest of the normal people first in the back of the plane: boosters, athletic department staff, etc. I was surprised how many people headed down: alumni relations people, ticketing office people, CSU media people. I think I heard Mike Brohard joking about how he gets to take a chartered flight to games now while his old newspaper colleagues had to drive down. Perks!

The departments get a set number of seats on the plane to each road game and seats to Fayetteville were in high demand. Newer employees get the shit games in Logan and places like that. Apparently the worst game to go to is Hawaii because you’re sitting in coach seats for 12 hours.

We land at a small airport in Fayetteville, three buses are waiting. Players and football staff in the first two buses, everyone else in the third bus. From the airport to the Embassy Suites we get a sweet police escort. In the driving rain, three poor saps on motorcycles are blocking off all the intersections so our buses can go through town unimpeded. I had never seen anything like that before and it was awesome. And this wasn’t just a couple blocks, it was about a 30-minute drive.

Everyone checks in to their rooms at the Embassy Suites. My friend and I are scheduled to go to the Green and Gold Dinner because we’re very important Top Boosters. We go to the hotel bar to get a couple beers in our system and we miss the bus that’s supposed to take us. (I should also mention that this was also the Coaches’ Wives weekend and all the wives were in town.)

Since we missed our bus, the only option to get us where we needed to be was to pile us in the van with all the coaches’ wives in it. So imagine a van with all these ladies, me and my buddy, and a cooler full of wine-in-a-can. It was great. For us. I’m sure the wives were like “who the hell are these two jamokes?”

We get dropped off at the Ram Rally, and about an hour later we head over to the Top Booster Only dinner event. It was a god damn who’s who of CSU royalty: Suzie Wargin, Steve DeLine, aaaand that’s all I can remember. I was drunk. Instead of taking the bus home, my buddy and I explored Dickson Street. Look, I know we love Fort Collins but Friday nights in these SEC towns are way more fun. I can’t imagine what the scene would look like if Arkansas was actually any good.

There was a restaurant there named Los Bobos! That had to be a good omen, right?

(We didn’t eat there though. Who the hell would eat Mexican food in Arkansas? Gross.)

Saturday morning we somehow crawl out of bed and get on the team bus to Razorback Stadium:

Head inside the stadium:

Seriously, this Arkansas team sucked so bad. Look at the crowd! How did we lose this game?!

Headed up to the visiting Athletic Director’s suite. This suite is by far the worst in the stadium, it’s super narrow and on the goal line, so you have a sharp viewing angle if you want to see anything. If you’re in the back of the suite, you have to watch on TV. And there was no booze in there! Luckily our VIP passes allowed us entry into the club level where we could buy some beers and drink them there, or sneak them back into the AD suite.

The game was a blast for the most part. Back-and-forth (both the game and me going from the Club Level to the AD Suite), high scoring, and tied in the 4th quarter. Can’t really ask for more.

I was in the AD Suite and I had a deep moment of reflection. It wasn’t that long ago that I was in Hughes Stadium, standing in the student section with my buddies. Pockets full of booze that I had snuck into the game. Now here I am standing in a private suite with the likes of Athletic Director Joe Parker, CSU fundraising legend Brett Anderson, President Joyce McConnell. Pockets full of booze that I had snuck out of the club area. I finally made it.

So CSU falls apart in the 4th quarter and we lose. Joe Parker swaps our VIP Club Pass with an All-Access Field Pass (what the hell, why couldn’t we have these before!!) and we’re ushered through some tunnels and onto the field:

We hop on the team bus and our catered pre-flight meal is a pulled pork sandwich from a local restaurant that is famous for their BBQ, I guess? I really can’t tell the difference between good BBQ and bad BBQ. No police escort on the way back to the airport. POLICE ESCORTS ARE FOR WINNERS!

Flight back was pretty quiet and solemn. Bad loss, bad Collin Hill and Jeff Taylor injuries, and the awkwardness in the air that we might be nearing the end for Coach Bobo and a bunch of the staff.

We all talk our trash about Coach Bobo, which is fine that’s part of the job, but it bugs me when people say he didn’t care. I saw first hand how pissed Bobo gets. I know the hours of work he puts in. I saw the conversation between him and Colin Hill in the tunnels of Razorback Stadium after the game. The guy cares. He just couldn’t figure out ways to beat shitty 2-10 SEC teams and now he’s gone. That’s the job.

Wheels down at the Loveland Airport and the trip is over. Would have been nice to leave with a “W” but really couldn’t have asked for more.

The weekend cemented my Top Booster status. I didn’t see Pat Stryker there and I sure as hell don’t see her writing a shitty blog. Your move, Pat.

John Blasco, Jr • Offensive Tackle • Redshirt Junior • Tacoma, WA

So far: Blasco was a three star recruit who picked CSU over offers from Hawaii and Montana. (Quite the range of destinations there.) He saw his first game action last year, appearing in two games.

What’s next: With TJ Storment leaving Fort Collins to became a Texas Christian Horny Toad, the tackle spots are pretty much wide open. Blasco certainly has the size for it and perhaps that Addazio Magic can unlock his three star potential.

Brewery nearest to Tacoma, Washington: Dystopian State Brewing Company

Tacoma has a ton of breweries, so I just picked the one that came up first in Google. I figured the team at Dystopian had a great SEO person on staff, but oh no, the reason they show up first on Google searches is waaaay better than that.

Back in 2018, someone posted a negative review on the brewery’s Facebook saying “this is the first time I spit beer back into my glass.” The brewery’s owner privately messaged the reviewer with this totally reasonable response:

As you can imagine the internet went crazy. Have I mentioned before that I love the internet? The internet is the best.

Worst Yelp review for Dystopian State Brewing:

I like to imagine that John L is Drunk Uncle:

All those 20 year olds with their tie dye shirts and their Galaxy notes. Hey Galaxy, here’s a note: get me a beer.

He ended his review warning that he’ll make sure all of his friends are aware of the bad service. All of his friends 2,898 miles away in Richmond Hill, Georgia.

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Ranking Every Game of the Mike Bobo Era, #48
2018 Wyoming, The Craig Bohl Classic

• Final Score: Colorado State 21, Wyoming 34
• Line: Colorado State +3
• Venue: Canvas Stadium

If Wyoming Coach Craig Bohl could write a script for a game, this would probably be it. The Pokes dominated the line of scrimmage, won time of possession and the turnover battle, only passed the ball ten times, and won comfortably. The score was 34-21, but it might as well have been 70-0. This game was complete domination and a classic “not as close as the score indicates” type of game.

The Rams managed to rush for 20 yards on 20 carries, led by Izzy Matthews’ 7 carries for -5 yards. Meanwhile, Wyoming had some guy named Nico Evans run for 176 yards.

I thought this play encapsulated the entire 2018 season:

Or this one:

Or this one:

And the worst part? This Wyoming team wasn’t any good! Their wins were against us (2-10), New Mexico State (3-9), San Jose State (1-11), Air Force (5-7), and New Mexico (3-9). Their best win was probably a their last second victory over FCS Wofford.

The Cowboys were so bad that even though they were bowl-eligible, all 100-or-so bowl games took a look at them and said, “meh, we’re good.”

A condensed version of the game is here if you hate yourself and want to watch it: