Keith Williams • Offensive Tackle  • Redshirt Senior  • Baltimore, MD

So far: Williams was a highly recruited player out of high school with 17 offers from schools like Marshall, Louisiana Tech, Southern Miss, and Nevada. He was so good he got invited to play in something called the Crab Bowl All-Star Game, which makes sense because:

Williams went the JUCO route instead and ended up at Colorado State two years later.

He didn’t see much time as a Sophomore, but played in eleven games as a Junior with four starts.

What’s next: So… no pressure Keith, but pretty much the whole damn offensive line from last year is gone and we’re going to need you at right tackle.

Williams had pretty much won the job by the end of last season, allowing Barry Wesley to move inside, so we should be good to go. Hell, his first career start was the offensive explosion at Fresno State, so we’re basically unstoppable when Williams is playing.

I’m excited for the opportunity that Williams has. Up until now he’s been known as the guy who played for that crazy head coach on Last Chance U, but now he’ll get his chance to cement his name as the starting right tackle. You could make a case that his development is one of the most important questions marks for the entire team. Again… no pressure!

Brewery nearest to Baltimore, Maryland: DuClaw Brewing Company

Their website doesn’t say what the name DuClaw means, but I bet it has to do with crabs because of the whole Maryland thing. They make a beer that looks like this:

Lowest Yelp Review for DuClaw Brewing:

Heidi B was silently discriminated against immediately from someone on the other side of the restaurant? That’s incredible! How does one know that they’ve been silently discriminated against immediately, and more importantly, how many times have I been silently discriminated against immediately?

Here’s another review from Heidi B:

Banned from the establishment for hearsay evidence? What is happening when Heidi B goes into public?? I need to know!

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Ranking Every Game of the Mike Bobo Era, #49
2018 Air Force, The Thanksgiving Dive

• Final Score: Colorado State 19, Air Force 27
• Line: Colorado State +14.5
• Venue: Falcon Stadium

Hey Rams fans! Want to ruin your Thanksgiving?

Coming off the failed Hail Mary game against Utah State, the Rams headed down to Colorado Springs to wrap up their shitty 2018 season with a Thanksgiving tilt against the Air Force Academy.

I hate the triple-option. I hate watching it, I hate the Army/Navy game, and I especially hate watching Colorado State try to defend it. Typically I have a rage-induced remote control flinging temper tantrum around the third quarter when Air Force picks up a crucial first down by doing something tricky like a play-action pass or an end-around to some goofy little slot receiver who hasn’t touched the ball all game.

But not this game. Air Force never had to reach into their little bag of tricks because Colorado State couldn’t stop the MOST SIMPLE FUCKING PART OF THE TRIPLE OPTION: the fullback dive. We had no answer for it! None! All Air Force had to do was hand it to the fullback all game. WHAT THE HELL DID WE DO IN PRACTICE ALL WEEK?

Air Force fullback Cole Fagan ran for 260 yards on a 7.6 yard per carry average. The backup fullback had 44 yards. 300 yards to the fullback! Happy Thanksgiving Ram Nation, I hope you like your stuffing with a pile of shit!

Actually let me rewind for a moment. I said earlier that Air Force didn’t have to go to their bag of tricks, but that’s not entirely true. Check out this busch league play from Mr Fuckin Howdy Doody right before the half:

This is how you get players injured, start fights, or both.

This game had all the staples of a Mike Bobo loss: ineffective defense (no turnovers, lost time of possession), crushing turnovers by the offense (interception in the redzone), and boners in the kicking game (two missed extra points).

Regardless of all that, the Rams still found themselves in the game in the 4th quarter. Down 8 points with three minutes left, KJ Carta-Samuels drove the Rams down the field and then…

THANKSGIVING IS CANCELED

CSU still had two of their timeouts left, but it didn’t matter. Cole Fagan for 10 yards. Fagan for 6. (Timeout.) Fagan for 6. (First Down.) Game over.

On the last play of the game, Tre Thomas punched a guy in the face:

What a way to end your college career, getting ejected after punching some Flyboy in the mouth. What a legend.

A video of the full game is here if you hate yourself and want to watch it:

One of the main selling points to becoming a CSU Ram is our shiny new stadium. Here is a ranking of the Top 10 stadiums of our incoming freshman class. (There is no 78 on the roster and I’m really running out of ideas.)

10. Burch Field, Tilton, NH (Owen Snively)

As a public school kid, these little prep schools feel like they’re from a different planet. It’s not even called Tilton High School, it’s just “Tilton School”. La dee friggin da. Their football field is pretty basic, but is surrounded by some neat trees, I guess.

Some schmuck Tilton alum paid over a million bucks for that field. Nice Tilton School education you jackass.

9. Peddie School Football Stadium, Hightstown, NJ (Cameron Bariteau)

You’ve got to be kidding me with these prep schools. The football field is pretty lame, similar to Tilton School’s, but looks at these god damn facilities:

I hope Bariteau doesn’t show up on campus and just bail after he sees what CSU has to offer.

Do you wonder if Tilton School and The Peddie School have ever played each other? Do they have a secret prep school handshake? Do you wonder if the graduates of their schools pay poor people lots of money to run into the forest so they can hunt them?

8. Christian Recht Field, Boulder, CO (Henry Blackburn)

Nice natural setting, but proximity to Colorado-Boulder campus makes Recht Field one of the worst stadiums in the nation.

t-7. Jeffco Stadium, Lakewood, CO (Tanner Hollens)

t-7. NAAC Stadium, Arvada, CO (Sanjay Strickland and Chase Wilson)

I have these two tied. They’re basically the same thing, right? The black track is cooler than the red track though, so tie-breaker goes to NAAC.

6. John Kauinana Stadium, Mililiani, HI (Bam Amina)

Not gonna lie, I thought the stadium was going to be surrounded by palm trees and stuff. I really don’t know shit about Hawaii’s native flora and fauna. Probably would have known that if my parents weren’t so cheap and sent me to Tilton School.

5. Santa Ana Stadium, Santa Ana, CA (Tai Marks)

With a capacity of 9,000, this is one of the bigger stadiums on the list. The legendary Mater Dei High School football team plays here, but the stadium loses points because it’s more of a multi-purpose field for the city and not a high school stadium.

4. Jeff Traylor Stadium, Gilmer, TX (Casey Irons)

Named after their legendary football coach who is now the head coach of UTSA. Holds over 7,000 fans and their fans are known to fill it up. This is what Texas high school football is all about!

3. French Field, Fort Collins, CO (Brian Crespo)

Named after CSU hall of famer Ray French. Almost put it at number one because look at this guy:

How old was he in college? 50?

2. Ray Hughes Stadium, Murfreesboro, TN (Aaron Moore)

Total homer pick. Name your venue Hughes Stadium and you shoot up any rankings list I put together. There’s nothing else special about the stadium. Well, they did get some sweet new field turf put in. Suck on that, Titlon School.

1. Panther Stadium, Duncanville, TX (James Mitchell)

This stadium holds 10,000 people! Look at their scoreboard!

That’s bigger than Wyoming’s!

By far the coolest stadium of all our incoming freshmen and the crazy thing is, not even in the top 50 largest high school stadiums in the state of Texas.

Well, today’s post kind of felt like a waste of time but that’s the whole point of this, right? The normal countdown returns tomorrow!

There is no 79 on the roster which makes sense because what kind of weirdo would want to wear 79?

Today I’m playing “AD for a day” where I pretend what changes I’d make if I were Colorado State’s athletic director. I split my ideas into three categories: Day One Changes, Might Take Some Work, and Not Very Likely.

So step aside Joe Parker, let’s get to work.

Day One Changes:

Move the marching band back to the 50-yard line

The marching band was an undeniable part of the game day experience back in the days of Hughes. Now that they’re in their special little corner of the new stadium, it’s easy to forget they’re even there. It’s time to move them back into the student section at the 50-yard line.

Moving the marching band back to the 50 has a couple other benefits:

• The students love to cram together, leaving a ton of empty spaces in the student section that look really bad on TV. With the band taking up a ton of space, the student section will look more full and it might actually force some students to fill in the south endzone a little bit.
• You could put a big tarp over the old band section and make a couple bucks by letting some bank put their logo on it.
• It can’t be fun for the opposing team to have a fucking marching band right behind them.

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Quit being a bunch of cheapskates and finish the stadium wrap

East stands: a cool looking green stadium wrap with Rams and Under Armour logos. North and South endzones: cool looking video boards, especially when the Rams score a touchdown and an ice cold Old Aggie pops up on the screen. West stands?

Ugly-ass concrete! We wanted an ode to Hughes Stadium in our new digs, I guess? Maybe we should add some cracks and water stains to complete the Hughes motif. As Colorado State Athletic Director, I promise you that I will complete the stadium wrap and cover up those concrete monstrosities. (I’m not joking. This drives me insane.)

Might Take Some Work:

Open every season with the Border War

Opening the season with Rocky Mountain Showdown is gone and never coming back. Good riddance, I say! Let’s take this opportunity to actually celebrate our school and our traditions and highlight the rivalry game that’s actually cool: the Border War.

If we want, the Border War has the opportunity to be the far superior rivalry because both schools openly hate each other and embrace it. There’s none of the “we’re not your actual rivals” garbage that makes the run-up to the RMS such a buzzkill.

It’s time to schedule the Border War for Week 1 of every season and spend all summer letting our hatred boil over for those mouth breathers up north. It’s time to Make The Border War Great Again.

But I have this idea in the “Might Take Some Work” section for a reason: schedule-making is a pain in the ass.

I have a solution for the short term though. Both school’s schedules are full for 2021 and 2022, but we play at Hawaii in 2021 and Wyoming is at Hawaii in 2022. So we’re moving the Border War to Week 0 (and getting an extra bye week in the process). Week 1 Border War is probably logistically impossible in 2023 and 2024, but we can do the Week 0 thing again in 2025 and 2026 and then hopefully after that both schools’ schedules will be flexible enough to just schedule the game for Week 1 going forward into eternity (or until our Big 12 invite).

Other benefit: Playing this game before the weather turns awful and while the students are still on-campus. There’s nothing dumber than playing your biggest rival on a 10-degree day on an empty campus.

Other other benefit: this opens up a week later in the season, maybe the Rams can schedule a pay game at an SEC school in October or November when SEC schools typically look to schedule a non-conference opponent. The Pokes can use their flexibility to continue their traitorous ways and schedule a November series with BYU.

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Stop wearing “gold” pants until Under Armour gets their shit together

There was a time when the Knights of the Green and Gold were a real thing and not just the lyrics to a fight song. Our heroes of the gridiron used to look like this:

Now they look like this:

We’re wearing khakis! What the hell happened?

Should we change the fight song to more accurately reflect the khaki lifestyle?

Knights of the green and khaki
Fi-le your taxessss….
Leeeeave the office ear-ly and pick
Up. The. Kids. Go vans!

As your AD, I promise that I will march right down to Under Armour HQ and demand that they supply us some shiny gold pants as God intended or our partnership is OVER!

In the meantime, the khaki pants are eighty-sixed. We hardly wear them much anyway, not a big deal.

So get on it Under Armour! Gather your top scientists and have them fix our gold pants!

Not Very Likely:

Find a resolution to the Fum’s Song debacle

The coolest thing CSU ever did was play Fum’s Song at the end of the 3rd quarter of home football games, and the lamest thing they ever did was take it away.

Their explanation was that the song was only meant for the locker room and the lyrics weren’t appropriate in a stadium setting. Basically, CSU went with the “locker room talk” excuse before the “locker room talk” excuse was even a thing.

I’ll concede their point. You can’t really call people “sissy boys” any more and calling an entire college “drunkards” is hilarious but probably not the best idea.

There’s also the problem that the melody to Fum’s Song is a trainwreck. You ever try singing along to the whole thing? I think it’s supposed to sound like “Home on the Range” but kinda goes off the rails? There’s a reason that groups have failed to revive Fum’s Song on their own: the melody sucks.

So I have a compromise: Fum’s Song for the locker room, Sonny’s Song for the stadium. Sonny’s Song could be a nicer version with updated rivals, more “PC” lyrics, and an easier melody to sing along to. If you can get Sonny Lubick to sign off on this (and have a video on the jumbotron of him singing it), then it might work.

Writing Sonny’s Song will be difficult, but we have a School of Music and that one guy from the CSU commercials is in the Flobots or something? They can figure it out.

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Build a Volleyball-only arena

It’s time to go all-in on the one thing we’re good at: volleyball. Right now we’re a NCAA Tournament-level program, we need to become a Final Four-level program. We already have the coaching in place, so let’s ramp up the facilities.

Just imagine if the Rams played their games in a volleyball-only arena like this:

I’m proposing a 3000 to 4500 seat arena with theater lighting like the Staples Center or The Pit, a killer sound system with frickin’ lasers, and let’s make this thing look like a god damn rock concert!

The CSU master plan calls for a parking garage in the Moby parking lot:

Let’s build that parking garage and the put the arena right on top of it. People do this all the time, like San Diego State’s “Sports Deck”:

How do we pay for this? Not sure. Maybe the folks at Otter Box can make another massive donation to CSU and we’ll call the new venue The Otter Box. For the remainder of the funding, I’m just going to sell a bunch of bonds and let future CSU presidents and Athletic Directors worry about paying them back. Remember, I’m only AD for a day, so not my problem!

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So there you go, that’s what I’d do if I was AD for a day. I’ll be back tomorrow with another stupid gimmick because there’s no number #78 on the roster.

There is no #80 on the roster. Nikko Hall wore it last year, but he got in some trouble with the law last October so that may or may not be affecting his status on the roster. Kinda sucks.

Anyway, we went over the All-Opponent team offense earlier this week, now the All-Opponent Defense.

Payne and Davis rotated in against Colorado State, plugging up the middle and suffocating the Rams’ running game. Payne would earn first team All-SEC and get drafted in the first round of the draft by the Washington Redskins. Davis would earn first team All-SEC, second team All-SEC twice, and get drafted in the second round by the Miami Dolphins.

For the most part defensive tackles are pretty boring to write about, but this was cool:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3C3Ifu8nXSs

Other DT’s considered: David Moa (Boise State), Da’Shawn Hand (Alabama)

Thank god this guy went pro already. He earned MWC first team twice and was the 2019 MWC Defensive Player of the Year. Against the Rams he recorded three sacks and an interception, but the stats don’t really reflect the havoc he creates. The Dolphins selected Weaver in the fifth round of the draft.

Zuniga’s teammate Jachai Polite probably had the better college career, but Zuniga wrecked Colorado State with 5 tackles, 2.5 sacks, and a QB hurry. Zuniga was poised to have a big senior season until it got derailed by an ankle injury. He still got drafted in the third round by the New York Jets anyway.

Other DE’s considered: Alex Barrett (San Diego State), Malik Reed (Nevada), Carl Granderson (Wyoming), Jachai Polite (Florida)

Nothing more frustrating than getting beat up by some dude named Leighton Vander Esch. In polo or rowing? Sure. But football? Come on. Sir Vander Esch of Leighton’s career was marred by injuries, but his only full season led to him being named Mountain West Defensive Player of the Year. In his only game against CSU he recorded 13 tackles and forced the game deciding fumble in overtime.

Vander Esch would end up getting drafted in the first round by the Dallas Cowboys.

Wilson earned All-MWC honors in 2017 and 2019. Not bad for a dude from Casper, Wyoming. He was a constant menace to CSU, recording 40 tackles and an interception over his career. He has to play for the Cincinnati Bengals now. KARMA!

Fackrell’s stellar college career was in jeopardy when he wrecked his ACL in his junior season. He was able to rehab and come back strong and earned first team All-MWC the next year. Against CSU in 2015 he had 6 tackles, 3 TFLs, and 1 sack. The Green Bay Packers drafted him in third round, a groundbreaking day for all the Kyler’s in suburbs across America.

Other LB’s considered: Nick Vigil (Utah State), Calvin Munson (San Diego State), Jahlani Tavai (Hawaii), Nate Landman (Colorado), Isaiah Buggs (Alabama)

Kazee was a two time Mountain West Defensive Player of the Year and one of the best players in Mountain West history, regardless of position. He was a one-man wrecking crew in the 2015 game against the Rams with 7 tackles, a pick six, and a forced fumble.

The Atlanta Falcons selected Kazee in the fifth round of the 2017 draft.

I’m listing Awuzie as a cornerback, but against the Rams this jerk basically lined up where ever he wanted. His best game against us came in his senior season when he record 8 tackles, 1 TFL, and a pick. He earned All-PAC 12 second team on two occasions.

The Cowboys drafted him in the second round.

Other CB’s considered: Jalen Davis (Utah State), Isaiah Oliver (Colorado), Jalen Myrick (Minnesota)

Other CB’s not considered: The dudes on Alabama who got Mossed by Warren Jackson and Michael Gallup. (Never forget that Gallup had one too that was incorrectly ruled incomplete.)

Fitzpatrick is the most decorated athlete the Rams faced during the Bobo Era. Two-time consensus All-American, Jim Thorpe Award, Bednarik Award. His game against the Rams was only “ho-hum” with six tackles, but there’s no way he doesn’t make this team. The Dolphins picked him 11th overall in the 2018 draft.

A god damn Colorado Recruit^TM that we let slip right through our fingers! If only Addazio was around to #BoxHimIn! Wingard has an outstanding career in Laramie and was named to the All Mountain West first team three times. The stats he put up against CSU are irrelevant (although his 17 tackle, 1 sack performance in 2016 should be noted), the biggest impact was that he wasn’t wearing green and gold. It can’t be understated: missing out on Wingard was an absolute disaster. The Bobo Era Rams will forever have a Wingard shaped hole in their secondary and in our hearts.

Other S’s considered: Darian Thompson (Boise State), Weston Steelhammer (Air Force) Ronnie Harrison (Alabama), Tedric Thompson (Colorado)

Wait… another Colorado Recruit^TM ???

The Rams never really had a shot at the Mullen product after schools like Alabama and Notre Dame offered. Scott would be an All-SEC player at Alabama and then get drafted in the fifth round by the Packers.

There you go! Your All-Mike Bobo Era Opponents Team!

And unless the team adds a #79 overnight, I’ll have to come up with some other gimmicky thing tomorrow. Go Rams!

Ty McCullouch • Wide Receiver • Sophomore • Moreno Valley, CA

So far: McCullouch was one of the highest rated recruits in CSU’s 2019 class, choosing the Rams over offers from Cal, Boise State, and Hawaii. He played in seven games as a true freshman and totaled three catches for 54 yards in seven games.

His high school photo made it look like he played for Ohio State, so subconsciously I will always irrationally overrate him.

Coming up: McCullouch’s 2020 output is probably dependent on how adventurous Coach Lynch and Coach Addazio want to be on offense. Two tight ends and pound the ball? Not great for Ty. Spread out the offense and throw it? No reason McCullouch wouldn’t be able to compete for playing time in that scenario. He’s an Ohio State transfer for god’s sake.

Brewery nearest to Moreno Valley, California: Euryale Brewing Company

The brewery was originally named Medusa Head’s Brewing, but another brewery already had that name, so they named the brewery after Medusa’s sister Euryale. This is a true story.

Lowest Yelp Review for Euryale Brewing:

I love using ALL-CAPS to show emphasis. And I really love how Deonte G. used them to let us know that he USED A GROUPON!

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Ranking Every Game of the Mike Bobo Era, #50
2015 Nevada, The Travesty Bowl

• Final Score: Colorado State 23, Nevada 28
• Line: Colorado State -3
• Venue: Arizona Stadium

I can never truly illustrate to my non-CSU friends just what a unique experience it is to be a Ram fan. Has your team ever been selected to a bowl game with no TV deal? Against a conference opponent? Had the commissioner of your conference call it a travesty? Welcome to the world of the CSU Rams.

This all started when the NCAA allowed 5-7 teams to go to bowls, but didn’t put in any rules about what order they can be selected. So the good people at the Foster Farms Bowl invited a 5-7 Nebraska team to play 8-4 UCLA, which caused a domino effect that led to two Mountain West teams facing off in the Travesty Bowl.

San Diego State also got boned that year. They won the conference championship, but for some reason the Mountain West gave up our spot in the Vegas Bowl to BYU (why the hell would we do that) so SDSU got to travel to Hawaii to play a 7-4 Cincinnati team. Congrats on your championship Aztecs! Hope you didn’t have any plans for Christmas!

What should have happened is: SDSU vs UCLA in the Foster Farms Bowl (instead of 5-7 Nebraska), Boise State vs Cincinnati in the Hawaii Bowl, Colorado State vs Northern Illinois in the Poinsettia Bowl, Nevada vs some 5-7 team in the Arizona Bowl.

But that didn’t happen, so we head down to Tucson. The weather for that weekend was unseasonably cold, because of course it was. The bars around the Arizona campus were empty because the students were away for winter break. The only area worth visiting was some trendy downtown district with overpriced drinks and 15-minute waits to get a table.

After watching Air Force get pounded by Cal in the Armed Forces Bowl, we headed over to campus to check out the pre-game festivities. (This also marked the first time I used that newfangled technology called “Uber”.) We walked over to the CSU alumni tent and saw the usual suspects. Up to this point, we hadn’t seen one Nevada fan the entire weekend.

We happened to run into the lady who was running the Arizona Bowl and asked her where the Nevada alumni event was. She said that they didn’t even bother to organize one. The CSU fan base has a long way to go, but this is the kind of shit we’re competing with. We should be dominating schools like this, it is mildly infuriating.

The game was televised on something called the American Sports Network.

I’m not sure what that is, but I think it’s the network that Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy just got in trouble for supporting.

The game was the typical Mike Bobo Cocktail of shitty special teams (Nevada kickoff return for touchdown), big plays given up by the defense (77 yard touchdown run), and mind-numbing boners by the offense:

(They would get zero points out of this drive.)

There were some good plays though. Let’s reminisce about the majesty of Hollywood Higgins in the open field:

(I can’t believe this guy is going to waste his career with the Cleveland Browns. Makes me irrationally angry.)

Lets watch Nolan Peralta delete some dude in the hole and send him to the netherworld:

Fast forward to the beginning of the 4th quarter, 3rd-and-1 from the Nevada 37. Dawkins runs for a first down, but Fred Zerblis gets call for holding. 3rd-and-11 now, Coach Bobo and our $500,000 offensive coordinator take their sweet ass time getting the play in and burn a timeout. (I’M SURE WE’RE NOT GOING TO NEED THAT LATER! IT’S NOT LIKE WE HAVE A GROUPON FOR ANOTHER!) The 3rd-and-11 play doesn’t work due to our inability to block Ian Seau and the Rams punt.

Fast forward to later in the 4th, Rams up one but Nevada driving deep into Ram territory. Rams burn the rest of their timeouts on defense. Their goal was to hold Nevada to a field goal and get the ball back, down by 2, with 30 to 40 seconds left. (Maybe just let Nevada score and save your timeouts? I do it on Madden all the time.) Instead Nevada scored a touchdown on 3rd-and-goal from the 7 (a complete disaster) and Nevada misses the two point conversion (a sliver of hope).

Ram ball, down 5, one minute left, no timeouts. Penalty on the kick return because our special teams is an absolute trainwreck. It’s Bobo’s first year though, I’m sure he’ll get that fixed.

We all know how this ends. Rams drive down the field and the game ends on another boner from the offense:

CALL TIME OUT! Oh wait.

The game is here if you hate yourself and want to watch an evening of Ian Seau running circles around our left tackle:

There is no 82 on the roster, soooo let’s do something else.

While I’ve been ranking all the games of the Mike Bobo Era, it got me thinking about what an All-Mike Bobo Era Opponents all-star team would look like. I did my best to compile that team, taking into account the player’s college career, but also weighing in how they fared against CSU. So guys like Jerry Jeudy and Rashaad Penny (buried on the depth chart) and Rashaan Evans (missed game because of injury) won’t make the team.

Without further ado, the All-Mike Bobo Era Opponents Team Offense:

Hurts’ college career was full of accolades: First Team All-SEC, First Team All-Big 12, SEC Offensive Player of the Year, National Champion. Against CSU, he played as close to a perfect game you can get, throwing for 250 yards and 2 TD’s, running for 100 yards and a score. Hurts would get drafted in the 2nd round by the Philadelphia Eagles.

Other QB’s considered (but not really): Jordan Love (Utah State), Josh Allen (Wyoming), Brett Rypien (Boise State)

Pumphrey put up insane stats over his career, including seasons of 1,876 and 2,018 yards. He passed Ron Dayne as the leader for FBS career rushing yards during the Las Vegas Bowl, which was kind of funny because Dayne’s yardage in bowl games isn’t counted for some insane reason that only makes sense in the idiotic world of college athletics. Donnel would be win MWC Offensive Player of the Year in 2015 and 2016, and first-team All-American in 2016.

Pumphrey faced the Rams twice: 121 yards and 2 TD’s in 2015 and held in check for 53 yards and a TD in 2016.

The Eagles selected Pumphrey in the 4th round of the 2017 draft.

Mattison is the latest in a long line of dominant Boise State running backs. He earned first team All-MWC honors in his first season as the lead back in 2018. He had a 242 yard, 3 TD game against CSU in 2017, which edged him past other worthy RB candidates.

The sky was the limit for Mattison’s senior season, but he couldn’t fathom spending another year of his life in Boise and decided to enter the draft instead. The Minnesota Vikings grabbed him in the 3rd round.

Other RB’s considered: Jeremy McNichols (Boise State), Brian Hill (Wyoming), Phillip Lindsay (Colorado), James Robinson (Illinois State), every Air Force running back

Ridley started his career with a bang, becoming a freshman All-American. He’d earn second-team and first-team All-SEC in the following seasons. Against CSU, he breezed to 92 yards and a touchdown in a game where the receiving corps wasn’t featured much.

Ridley left college early and was drafted in the first round of the 2018 draft by the Atlanta Falcons. He has been a mild disappointment on my fantasy team ever since.

Shenault’s college career was tarnished by injuries, but that didn’t stop him from sticking it to our beloved Rams. In his first career start he’d go off for 211 yards and a touchdown. The next year he’d rack up 90 scrimmage yards and a score. He was named first team All-PAC 12 in 2017 and second team in 2018.

Shenault couldn’t stand living in Boulder any longer and left early for the NFL draft. He was selected in the 2nd round and will now live in Jacksonville, Florida. Upgrade!

Other WR’s considered: John Ursua (Hawaii), Cedrick Wilson (Boise State), KeeSean Johnson (Fresno State), Thomas Sperbeck (Boise State), Tanner Gentry (Wyoming)

Slim pickings at the Tight End position. CSU just missed playing against guys like Maxx Williams (Minnesota) and OJ Howard (Alabama). I’m sure I’m forgetting someone, but David Morgan is the most accomplished tight end I could find. Morgan was a second-team All-American, the first (and I assume only) All-American in UTSA history. He scored a touchdown against the Rams and I’m sure he had some nice blocks. Morgan would go on to get drafted in the 6th round by the Vikings.

Other TE’s considered: David Wells (San Diego State), Jake Roh (Boise State), Jacob Hollister (Wyoming)

Unanimous All-American, two time All-SEC first team. First round selection by the Cincinnati Bengals. Obvious pick for this team.

Cleveland was a two time All-MWC first teamer. Left Boise a year early and was drafted in the second round by the Vikings.

Two time All-MWC first team and voted All-America first team by USA Today. Has a famous dad. Drafted in the 4th round by the Baltimore Ravens.

Four year starter at Alabama. Two time All-SEC first team. Long last name. 5th round pick by the Washington Redskins.

First-team All-MWC in 2016, second-team All-MWC in 2015. Hot take: He was just as important to Wyoming’s success as Josh Allen. Drafted in the 6th round by the Redskins.

Other OL’s considered: Jawaan Taylor (Florida), Austin Corbett (Nevada), Martez Ivey (Florida), every lineman on Alabama’s two-deep

Drafted by the Miami Dolphins in the 7th round of the 2018 draft. He’s a kicker.

Other K’s considered: Your mom

That concludes the offensive portion of the All-Opponents team, look for the defense to be named the next time we don’t have a roster number.

Chris McEahern • Wide Receiver • Redshirt Freshman • Arvada, CO

So far: Walked on to the team in 2019 and didn’t see any playing time.

McEarhern played his high school football at Arvada West. I miss when Arvada West was Arvada West. I miss Kevin McDougal. I miss the legend Steve Cutlip. What happened to Arvada West football??

What’s next: What am I, a fortune teller? I have no idea what’s next. But do you know who might know?

Steve Cutlip apparently!

Brewery nearest to Arvada, Colorado: New Terrain Brewing Company

New Terrain is located on the west side of town and has a pretty sweet location next to Table Mountain.

Lowest Yelp Review for New Terrain:

Now this is more like it, the classic “they used to be good” review. Can any of you psych majors out there tell me what makes people this way? Is it just our obsession with nostalgia and “the good old days”? Just look what I wrote above about Arvada West High School: used to be good, now it’s trash!

Anyway, I like Jen H’s minimalist writing style. Here’s a haiku inspired by her review:

They are entitled

They are more popular now

Forget to be nice

– Jen H

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Ranking Every Game of The Mike Bobo Era, #51

2018 Colorado, The Boat Race II

• Final Score: Colorado State 13, Colorado 45
• Line: Colorado State +7
• Venue: Broncos Stadium

Much like the 2016 Rocky Mountain Showdown, the Buffs raced out to an early lead and never looked back. Unlike the 2016 Rocky Mountain Showdown, expectations weren’t really high coming into this one so it didn’t sting quite as bad. The Rams were coming off a Week Zero loss to Hawaii, Coach Bobo was having serious health issues, and losing Trophy Games in embarrassing fashion had become the norm.

The most infuriating thing about this game was the way the Buffs scored on big plays due to missed tackles and crappy pursuit angles. They scored on plays of 38, 46, 89, and 49 yards. Completely demoralizing.

You know what’s even more demoralizing? Kicking a friggin’ field goal on 4th-and-goal when you’re down 45 to 10. What kind of chicken shit play call was that? We just laid down and died for them. Kind of a theme for the 2018 season.

Another reoccurring theme: getting beat by a CU team that wasn’t very good. They’d win their first five games of the season and then lose their final seven in a row, which was hilarious.

Here’s the full game if you hate yourself and want to watch it. The first couple minutes of the first quarter are cut off, no complaints here:

Gary Williams • Tight End • Redshirt Sophomore • Charlotte, NC

So far: Williams was a three star recruit and picked CSU over reported offers from Air Force, Appalachian State, Marshall, and others.

I remember seeing him at a practice during his freshman year and he already looked like an upperclassman. “That dude is ready to play,” I thought to myself. Well, turns out I was wrong as he redshirted his freshman season.

The official website says he only played in three games last year, but I could have sworn I saw him out there for more than that. Either way, he didn’t record any stats in his redshirt freshman season.

Williams’ high school is named after Zebulon Vance, a Confederate Army general (oh shit, here we go…), who was later pardoned and became a US Senator (okay…), favored reconciliation with the North (okay, okay), and was outspoken about religious tolerance (all right, I think we’re good here).

What’s next: Look, I grew up in Denver and rooted for a #84 at tight end my whole life, so maybe I’m a little biased, but let’s put the guy out there and see what he can do! It’s going to be really difficult getting any kind of playing time at tight end this year, but I hope Williams is part of the rotation.

Brewery nearest Vance High School in Charlotte, North Carolina: Armored Cow Brewing Company

Armored Cow Brewing doesn’t have a website yet so I have nothing to say about them.

Lowest Yelp Review for Armored Cow:

There really aren’t any bad reviews on Yelp. I think it’s because they’re new and haven’t been open long enough to get the “This place used to be great but now it’s the SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL!” type review. Here’s their only two-star:

Hi, I’m Peyton W and I like gluten free beers and ciders and I wear ascots and cummerbunds and play the banjo ironically.

(Got ’em.)

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Ranking Every Game of the Mike Bobo Era #52

2019 Arkansas, The Missed Opportunity

• Final Score: Colorado State 34, Arkansas 55
• Line: Colorado State +10
• Venue: Razorback Stadium

This Arkansas team was a complete joke. Out of all the teams CSU lost to in the Bobo Era, the Razorbacks were the worst, hence the low (high?) ranking in this countdown. Arkansas was a 2-10 team whose only other win was a nail-biter against Portland State. That’s it! Us and Portland State!

This game was a gift from the football gods to get an SEC notch on our belt. Sure, Arkansas was terrible, but no one would have cared ten years from now. Like our win at LSU in 1992. Do you know LSU’s record that year? Were they any good? Who cares, we have scoreboard on the national champs! That win at Michigan State; I don’t know if they were any good. All I know is that we went into a Big 10 stadium and kicked Nick Saban’s ass!!

Unfortunately, this game had all the staples of a classic Bobo loss: crushing Marvin Kinsey fumbles, boners in the kicking game, big plays given up by the defense, and one soul crushing highlight that would make SportsCenter. You all know the play I’m talking about, some random-ass Arkansas tight end catches a pass, five Rams converge on him, somehow they all miss the tackle, and the tight end scores a touchdown. Story as old as time. You know the play. I’m not going to GIF it here, I don’t need to see it again.

2019 also introduced a new genre of defeat that we hadn’t seen much of in the Bobo Era, the “Keep it close for three quarters and then get our doors blown off in the 4th so it looks like a blowout” loss. This game was actually tied 34-34 in the 4th quarter. The Rams had the ball and were driving into Arkansas territory, ready to take the lead. On a 3rd-and-6, both Cam Butler and Trey McBride came open on the play, but the vaunted left side of our offensive line decided to let the DE come in unblocked and messed everything up:

Way to go guys! I hope you enjoy your time at Nebraska and TCU! YOU’RE DEAD TO ME. Instead of hitting McBride or Butler for an easy first down, O’Brien is flushed out of the pocket and forces a pass to Dante Wright which falls incomplete.

On 4th down, the coaches say, “hey, we have a walk-on kicker, lets have him try a 50-yarder!”. He misses, Razorbacks score, game over.

And lastly, the final piece of this game that vaults it past other losses into the echelon of shitty losses: the Collin Hill injury. To see that Arkansas defender fly in, completely out of control and roll into Hill’s knee, it was like a nightmare. It was the worst type of play you could possibly imagine for Hill.

The Razorbacks ended up scoring 55 points, they wouldn’t score more than 27 in a game the rest of the year. The next week they dropped a home game to San Jose State. San. Jose. State. Their coach got fired after the season. He earned it.

A condensed version of the game is here if you hate yourself and want to watch it:

Trey McBride • Junior • Tight End • Fort Morgan, CO

So far: McBride was about as highly recruited as they come, receiving offers from Cal, Colorado (Boulder), Colorado (Northern), Kansas State, Navy, and Wyoming (lol). Lucky for us, Trey decided to follow his older brother to Fort Collins.

He was as advertised, bursting onto the scene with a long TD vs Florida in his freshman year. He truly broke out in 2019, getting on the Mackey Award watch list and earning All-MWC first team as a Sophomore.

McBride has been a complete home run recruit. He can work the outside or the middle of the field, has speed to beat people deep, he can catch the ball in traffic, and he can block. One of those rare guys who doesn’t really have a weakness.

And one of the best things about him is that he doesn’t seem to score ordinary touchdowns, they’re all big gains or brokens tackles or a combination of the two. Ranking McBride’s touchdowns purely on aesthetics:

5. Down the seam vs New Mexico

4. Down the seam vs Florida

3. Misdirection vs Air Force

2. Straight Arm/Bowling Pins vs Boise State

1. Hurdle vs Fresno State

What’s next: I can’t remember this much hype for a tight end since Kory Sperry returned for his 9th year of eligibility back in 2008. My enthusiasm is a bit tempered though. Nothing to do with McBride and more to do with the abundance of mouths to feed in the CSU offense and the depth at the TE position.

I’m guessing that McBride’s stats improve over last year’s (45 catches, 560 yards and four touchdowns), but not by a ton. Then the biggest question becomes: does McBride come back for his senior season or enter the NFL draft? Or perhaps the NBA draft?

Brewery nearest to Fort Morgan, Colorado: Broken Plow Brewery in Greeley.

Once again, there is no brewery in Fort Morgan so if anyone out there is looking for a place to open one, here’s your chance.

Lowest Yelp review for Broken Plow:

I feel Mike W’s pain here. We’ve all been there: step away for a phone call or a bathroom break, only to come back to find the table cleared. So frustrating.

BUT! There is more to the story! The owner of the brewery responds:

Turns out Mike W was fucking hammered! Cut off! God I love the internet.

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Ranking Every Game of the Mike Bobo Era, #53

2018 Utah State, The Illegal Touching Game

• Final Score: Colorado State 24, Utah State 29
• Line: Colorado State +29.5
• Venue: Canvas Stadium

I had trouble ranking this game because there were absolutely zero stakes going into it and the loss was to a quality opponent. But the ending… oh the ending.

The Rams were running out the stretch of an awful 3-8 season and while USU is a Mountain Division opponent, they’re not exactly a rival. The biggest motivation was that CSU had the opportunity to beat a ranked opponent for the first time since 2002. (2002!!!!)

And what did CSU do with this golden opportunity?

Utah State scored their first touchdown on a 95-yard pick six from an errant Collin Hill pass that was tipped by Preston Williams. Their second touchdown was also a pick six on a pass that Hill threw behind his receiver. Two fluky touchdowns, neither given up by the defense.

Meanwhile, super star, pretty boy, all-world quarterback Jordan Love was held in check all game long by a surprisingly stout CSU defense. That is until they decided to gift the Blue Aggies a touchdown:

Down 29-24 with 8 seconds left in the game, the Rams had one last chance to pull out a win. Drew Goodman with the call:

Is there a more brutal way to lose a game than that? What a gut punch. The fact that the ref throws his hat and not a flag so the penalty isn’t seen right away is just the chef’s kiss of shitty ways to lose a game.

After this game I swore I was done with CSU football. I wan’t mad or anything, I just had a heart-to-heart with myself and decided I would no longer voluntarily put myself through this shit. (The prohibition lasted two days.)

Here’s a condensed version of the game if you want to voluntarily put yourself through this shit:

Ross Reiter • Long Snapper • Junior • Phoenix, AZ

So far: Is Ross Reiter the best player on the team? Perhaps the greatest recruit of Coach Bobo’s regime? You may scoff at the suggestion because he’s a long snapper, but if we’re grading on the curve, why not? He started as a true freshman, has played in every game, and hasn’t screwed up. And according to the official roster, the dude grew an inch and lost five pounds. Who’s living a better life than Ross Reiter?

Add in the sweet ‘stache…

…and you’re looking at the best player on the team. Period.

What’s next: I don’t know, how about another year of excellence and perfection? (I hope I’m not going overboard with this. If Reiter sails a snap over Ryan Stonehouse’s head, I guess you can blame me.)

Brewery nearest Phoenix, Arizona: Sunup Brewing Company

According to their website, they won a Bronze medal at the Great American Beer Festival! Remember the Great American Beer Festival? That thing people used to go to in the Before Times in The Long Long Ago?

Lowest Yelp Review for Sunup Brewing:

I came up with about five or six versions of a joke involving the offensive term said by the waitress and that exact term appearing in my internet search history. Then I came to the conclusion that I’m definitely not funny enough to pull off that kind of joke.

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Ranking the Every Game of the Mike Bobo Era, #54

2016 Air Force, The Other No Punt Game

• Final Score: Colorado State 46, Air Force 49
• Line: Air Force -7
• Venue: Falcon Stadium

If I told you that if the Rams had a 300-yard passer, a 100-yard rusher, a 200-yard receiver, were even on turnovers, and had no punts; you’d probably bet that the Rams won the game, right? But if I also told you that we missed two field goals, had a turnover on downs, and happened to be playing in our house of horrors- Falcon Stadium- then you might change that bet.

The game started as a typical Ram-Falcon showdown with neither defense showing much resistance. Rams were looking to go in to the half with a 24-21 lead until they were on the short end of one of the most ludicrous calls in the history of football.

Nick Stevens releases a pass and gets hit late and high by Air Force linebacker Grant Ross. The pass is intercepted by Air Force, but it’s obviously coming back due to the Ross penalty.

The referee calls a targeting penalty (important distinction there) and reviews it. They decide it’s not targeting, and since they didn’t call roughing the passer or a late hit, there is no penalty and the interception stands. They’d later explain that it wasn’t a late hit because the contact happened after the change of possession and was considered a legal block WHICH IS THE MOST INSANE, ASININE THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.

So you’re tell me as 44 is launching himself through the air, he’s able to see with the eyes in the back of his head that a teammate intercepted the ball? Is it even possible that the ball was intercepted before contact was made? Spoiler alert, it isn’t:

Bottom line: the ref messed up by not calling the penalty correctly (roughing the passer with targeting) and had to come up with a ridiculous explanation weasel out of it.

Air Force gets gifted a short field, scores a TD and goes into half up 28-24.

Fast forward to the 4th quarter. CSU down three, ball on their own 20, two minutes left. Stevens hits Gallup for a big gainer and then…

It’s a strange feeling when your best player screws up at the end and loses the game. I’m not saying it was Gallup’s fault that we lost, he had over 200 yards and a bunch of huge plays. But when he’s stripped of the ball like that, you’re kind of left empty and speechless. Weird feeling. And would you look at who caused the fumble, cheatin-ass number 44 WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN EJECTED FROM THE GAME IN THE FIRST HALF!

This game sucked.

You can watch the game here. There were actually some decent moments so it might actually be worth the time: